It’s New Year’s Eve and I haven’t really slept in a couple of days. My head is whirling like a tornado trapped inside a box. My life is comfortable, but it doesn’t make me happy anymore.
I used to love my job, but after four years of being passed over for promotions I find it hard to do the work to the level I know I can anymore. I used to jump out of bed and now it’s a chore just to get going and get there.
I used to be thankful, grateful even, that I had my exes family in my daughters life even if I didn’t have the “father figure”. However, I’m tired of the littles being muted, uninvited, or left out because no one wants to upset him, his new wife, or new life.
I used to love my house, but now it’s just unpractical. Half the house is on the second story that my grandfather can’t reach and the walk-in shower downstairs is so small he can’t really use it.
I was so excited to pay off my car this year, but it’s not very practical now either. With my grandfather and I in the front, three kids in back, and wheel chair in the hatch we have zero room for anything else.
First world problems, right? Part of me is so grateful for all the good things: my little family, health, home, food, a car, a job. I should feel blessed and content. I know this. Deep down I know this.
So why does all the above weigh on me so heavily I can’t sleep?
I know I need to make changes; I can feel that nagging sensation deep down in my stomach. I think things could be better than they are now for my family. It’s just…what if they’re not? What if I disrupt this world I created and things are “less than now”? Or am I just stuck in the dreaded comfort bubble that keeps so many of us from true happiness? The hard part about now is every decision I make changes not just my life, but the four lives that I care most about. Four. The ripple effects I can cause with uprooting and changing five lives. Unfathomable.
So here’s to a new year with 365 days of opportunities and choices. Here’s to hoping the ripple effects we cause are the right ones and to growing stronger from the injustices done to us so we can become the light for those that need us.
“You can take the sourest lemon life has to offer and still make something resembling lemonade.”
Happy 2019 — may it be a worthy year.