So my little cousin tells me I have RBF. I had to have that explained to me, but now that I know what it is she may be right. I get it from my father. I always looked at him and thought “stoic”. He was a rock. He was my rock. However, it’s not always good to be the rock.
There’s a Frozen song that my daughters love, “don’t let them in don’t let them see, be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.” The key to this song is in the title, “Let It Go”. It’s not bury it. It’s not ignore it. When she did those things it just made it worse for her. It’s when she accepted how she was feeling (good or bad) that she was able to have some real control over it.
Let. It. Go.
More so than any other time in my life I’ve been focusing on a better me. I want to be the best version for my daughters and my grandfather, because that is what they deserve. The last two years have just REALLY made me confront the fact that life can be just a flicker and the real impact we can have on not just our lives, but others. Worrying, overthinking, trying to rationalize actions of other people…that is just stealing my time to be the best version of me and live my best life for those I love. Worrying won’t help anyone or anything. Planning for A, B, and C is helpful…but I have to remember to stop at a certain point and not plan for D-Z. That’s overkill (and a waste of energy at a time when I need all my energy). And the one that has really helped me this year? Try not to rationalize the actions of other people.
My grandfather used to tell me there are three sides to every story: our story, their story, and the truth. I didn’t really get that when I was younger, but I remember the first time it clicked. I was arguing with someone over something mundane like the color of a shirt. I was 110% sure it was red, they were 110% sure it was orange, and then it ended up being pink or something. I just remember being dumbfounded. I mean I was SURE it was red. I guess the point of the story is, to err is human. So I do find myself trying to rationalize why people do things that just seem so ridiculous/mean/detrimental (you get the picture). The fact is…you just can’t. There are so many possible variables at work that make people who they are and what they think – genetics, experiences, beliefs, goals, fears, dreams, education, love, hate, anger (emotions in general), etc. You can’t rationalize someone else’s reactions/motivations based on your baseline. If you don’t know the information, it’s a waste of time trying to “solve for x”. You’re just not going to get an accurate answer, even if you’re just “sure” you know.
In the last four weeks I’ve been in the hospital, my grandfather was in the hospital, my daughter was in the hospital, and I’m currently sitting in a hospital room for stay #2 with my grandfather. Life is so precious and fragile that this month has helped me be a better me. It’s helped me prioritize and make some “limbo decisions” I was just (for lack of a better word) scared to make. Reminded me to be cognizant of when I have RBF and someone else is in the room, so I can crack a smile or say a nice word because life is wondrously full of butterfly effects. Finally weeding out “toxic” people from my life that, although I would love to help, they don’t know even know they have a problem. Plus, I’ve cut my planning down to “Best case and worst case” instead of 1,000 what-if scenarios.
Life isn’t perfect. People aren’t perfect. I’m fully aware of what a Work-In-Progress I am. However, your life is what you make it and how you react to it. I’m letting the past go and moving forward on making our lives better – for all of us. Baby steps get you to the finish line; never starting does not.